I'm baaack!

Did you miss me, my darlings?

In the wake of my birthday celebration, my upcoming college graduation, and my real world jobs I have not been able to give Dyketastic the devotion it deserves. But I love you all who have continued to pay attention to my little blog and my commentary on the world around me.

So, while I have missed several key events in the lesbian world, I will be posting some "back posts." Meaning, I will be making extensive commentary on things that happened in the past week with back dated posts. Mostly to make room for the upcoming ranting. And, oh hell yes, trust me. There is some upcoming ranting.

So, as a special notice to anyone who has been missing me, shoot me an email. The address is: dyketastic [at] gmail.com. If you send me an email and tell me one thing you missed about me, I will grant you a wish. Within reason. If there is something special you would like me to talk about or something about me you would like to know I will answer - within reason. No naked pictures guys. That's between me and my parole officer.

Email me and keep reading! I love all of you!

Dyke-con of the Week!

Name: Cat Cora

Why she is a Dyke-con: I can't cook to save my life, but that hasn't stopped me from being obsessed with cooking shows and the Food Network. Cat Cora is the first female American Iron Chef. In addition to being a television personality, she is also an executive chef, philantrophist, lesbian, mother and one sexy woman. She is an out and proud lesbian who lives with her partner Jennifer and their sons Zoran and Caje.

To learn more about Cat Cora, read this article at After Ellen.

Photo Source: Food Network

Jackie Warner Coming to Chicago!

Jackie Warner will be in Chicago tonight!



Funny story, the real reason Jackie is going to be here is my roommate. Her friend is one of the major forces behind Chix Mix, and knowing my roommate's unnatural love for Jackie Warner she intervened and booked the Work Out hottie for a night of fun. I hope to see you all there tonight. I know I'll be there. Or else, my roommate might kill me.

Brian Peeler is Fired!

Buh-Bye you homophobic bastard! Jackie Warner fired Brian Peeler! It's about time. He claims she's disrepectful, but every other word out of his mouth is insulting Jackie for one reason or another.



Here's what Jackie said in a Myspace bulletin about kicking his ass to the curb:

"Last nights episode-to clear up a couple of things. I did not make a derogatory remark about Brian Peelers client on camera or off-camera. The only reason he tried to bring it up to me on camera is to villainise me and set me up for something I didn't do. Lisa did not know this woman had cancer and made a comment about her breasts which she apologized for. I have dealt with cancer personally as well as watched my mother struggle with it so I am very sensitive about this disease. I have been employed in the past and in a million years would not have behaved the way Brian behaved with me. I can't imagine raising my voice or refusing to leave my boss' office when asked politely to do so. I feel totally justified in firing him. I have always personally disliked him but was forced to continue to employ him because he was chosen by the producers for the show. Please remember that this is a show and that 90% of the beautiful and inspiring work we did was left on the cutting room floor. The producers decided (regretably) to create through editing a very different and what I think a very negative show. This season is not in any way a reflection of what I or SkySport represents. I have spent a great part of my life trying to heal and am just as floored as you, the viewers, by the negative editing.


On a lighter note, I thought Erica looked beautiful during her shoot and it was a great self-esteem builder. Gregg B and Deenie are just not fitting! SkyLab is challenging and getting off to a rocky start but some powerful changes are yet to come.

Thank you-Jackie Warner"

Photo Source: Bravo

Could Farmer Wants a Wife get any Trashier? Why, yes it can!

I was watching Farmer Wants a Wife last night wondering, is it possible for the show to get any trashier? Is it possible for Josie to get any crazier? Why yes. Yes it is all possible.



At the end of the show, the farmer took all the girls to play bingo. But it turned into an elimination challenge. Josie managed to offend everyone in the room. Then Josie was completely confused about why she wasn't picked. And then she called him cheap because he picked her flowers instead of buying them. I would appreciate picked flowers more than bought flowers - it would show she took the time to pick and select something as hard to find as flora in the city. Then she demanded a present! A present?! I'll give you a present - a swift kick to the ass!

She kept refusing to leave and told them to call the sherrif if they were going to have her removed. She tried to call Matt but he told her she needed to go to the airport. Finally, she left. After terrifying the girls, Matt and Matt's friends. This girl is worse than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. The worse Glenn Close did was boil a rabbit, I'd be afraid Josie would light the fields on fire and eat the chickens alive. Actually, she'd probably use the chicken blood for her satanic Republican rituals.

After Josie left, Matt went on his date with one girl while the other girls went out to a bar. Some of the girls were talking trash about the other girls who were talking with other men. Good lord! You're on a dating reality show! You're all desperate and everyone in America knows it! Besides, Brooke is my virgin queen. She's not going to let Matt go for a sixty-something farmer with a trucker hat. She wants the twenty-something farmer with a trucker hat.

Speaking of Brooke, has anyone else noticed how much Brooke looks like Jamie Lynn Spears? It's actually kind of starting to freak me out a little.


Photo Source: Rebecca Murray (Jamie Lynn Picture), CWTV

Black Chucks are the new Faux-Hawk

Sorry I've been absent the past few days everyone. My birthday is coming up and some of my friends have been helping my celebrate to the fullest extent. So finally, I'm back. And from my drunken escapades, I have gained some wisdom about Chicago lesbians. Every twenty-something lesbian I know in this city owns a pair of black Chucks.

I don't know when this happened but we figured it out the other day. A couple friends and I were having a beer or two in my kitchen when we noticed we were all wearing the same pair of shoes. The next day I went out to play pool and I noticed once again, all my friends were wearing black Chucks.



At some point, I think a universal lesbian memo went out for black Chucks. It's like a couple years ago when all the girls got faux-hawks. Then they all got mullets. Then they got a hair style that blended the two and I can only describe as the "faux-mu-hawk-let."

So join the dyketastic masses and buy your black Chucks today!

Gay Idol is in full force tonight!

Gay Idol 2008, the 6th annual karaoke contest by Windy City Media and Bud Light, continues tonight!

Up to 20 contestants will compete at Atmosphere tonight to win $100 and a coveted spot in the semi-finals. The final winner will receive $1,000, prizes included airline tickets from American Airlines and the coveted title of Gay Idol.

I'm a huge fan of karaoke, even though I have absolutely no singing ability. So it's definitely a treat to watch amateur singers with talent...or those who think they have talent...rock the mic.



Come check out Gay Idol tonight:
@mosphere
5355 N. Broadway
8 pm sign up/9 pm start

For more information about Gay Idol, click here.

My NewNowNext Awards Picks

The NewNowNext Awards for LOGO celebrate the Best in Gay and Lesbian Pop Culture. The categories are brilliant and entirely appropriate from "Cause You're Hot" to "Most Addictive Reality Star." Here are my picks for 2008:

Brink of Fame Actor: Ellen Page
OMFG Internet Award: I'm F***ing Ben Affleck
Best Show You're Not Watching: Bad Girls
Most Guiltiest Pleasure: Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency
Most Addictive Reality Star: Christian Siriano "Project Runway"
Most Totally Rad Sickest Blog Ever: Dlisted.com
Cause You're Hot: Tiny Fey
Brink of Fame Comic: Julie Goldman
Brink of Fame Music Artist: The Cliks
Best Future Feature: Finn's Girl
Brink of Fame Filmmaker: Jamie Babbitt
The Kylie Award Next International Crossover: Sia
BreakOut Destination: Tel Aviv, Israel
Brink of Fame Author: T. Cooper
Because You Deserve an Award: Margaret Cho

To vote and see a full list of nominees, click here.

Tune in to LOGO on June 7th at 9pm to see who wins!

Shot at Love - Just Shoot Me

The second episode of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila was full of drama, but not very dyketastic. It's really just a bunch of drinking and fighting. If I wanted to see that, I'd just go to Star Gaze on Friday night for salsa night. There's always a lot of drinking and I usually manage to see at least one fight every time I go.

To see who got to spend private time with Tila, they played "Oh Craps" - a strip dice game. It was hilarious to watch the guy's reactions as the girls got down to bras and thongs. I think they forgot for a moment who Tila was. The winners were the final guy and girl with the most clothes on - George and Kristy. They had private time in her club, but it didn't last long. Suddenly everyone is in the club and going crazy. Samantha saw the stripper pole and demonstrated her working girl talents. But she can never replace the love I have for Frenchy. There can only be room for one trashy stripper on a reality television show - and that's Frenchy. Everyone is screaming, drinking and dancing in Tila's private club. That's when the police show up.



The crowd inside yelled at the police, but Tila knew how to save the day. She flirted with the cop telling him she needs, "a real man." He wasn't having it and gave her a ticket anyway. Are you serious!? I just find that offensive. It's like the Dairy Queen commercial where the little girl flirts with a boy to get a free sundae. Women should not have to use their sexuality to get what they want from men. It's demeaning. That said, I have flirted for a free drink or two. But when it comes to the cops I at least know how to cry on cue.




Chad once again proved he is the most disgusting man alive. As all of them have to share a bed. He decides to let a fart out and wave it over to the girls side. Poor girls! I have all new sympathy for them. Especially because Christian looks like an alcoholic. The next morning, he was already getting into the vodka. Good lord, even I know when to take a break. Luckily, Tila had set up a recovery room for them with food and oxygen tanks.

The rest of the episode continued without anything interesting happening. The "buy my love" challenge was boring if only because it showed what Tila was really looking for. Someone to spoil her, as she put it. Come on, Tila. Just admit it. You're looking for someone to buy your stripper shoes. Just get a sugar mama. I'm sure there's a female version of

In the end, Tila eliminated Christian and Fame. She wasn't impressed with Christian's ability to hold his liquor. I want to have a drinking contest with him. I have a trained liver of steel - I bet I could match him shot for shot with Jack Daniels. As for Fame, it was pretty obvious she was only interested in getting some television time for her non-existant singing career. And no one can out reality-whore Tila!

Honestly, I'm already getting sick of this show and I don't know how much more I can take. The only girl I'm enjoying looking at is Sirbriana. Although Lisa rocks the tomboy look and she's a softball coach - at least you know she's a real lesbian.

Photo Source: MTV

Dyke-con of the Week!

Name: Otep Shamaya

Why she is a dyke-con: The singer/songwriter of OTEP is one of the few openly gay women in the metal music scene. Her message is continually "Art Saves." She says art is her god and music her religion.

Otep's album "Servas Tra" was the greatest inspiration when I was in high school and her new album "The Acension" rocks my black cotton socks right off. To listen to some of Otep's music, visit her myspace here.

Photo Source: PR BROWN

Farmer wants a wife, I want a laugh. Everybody wins!

After watching America's Next Top Model last night, my roommate and I decided to watch the premiere episode of Farmer Wants a Wife. My roommate grew up on a farm and farming is in my family blood, we both have our memories of fields and barns. So we spent most of the time laughing at the women because we know they have no idea what they're getting into. Here's your first lesson ladies - don't wear heels on a farm. You'll lose it in a cow pie.

The women weren't all that attractive. Josie looks like a cross between Miss Piggy and post-mortum Anna Nicole Smith. She calls herself a "ten-plus." Um, well, someone has to think so I guess.


Josie - future patient on Celebrity Rehab

Matt the farmer is really attractive and seems like a decent guy. My roommate and I agreed - we want to be friends with him. We want to take him to "Hogs and Honeys" in Chicago to do shots and ride the mechanical bull. Every guy needs a couple of dykes to help him pick up girls.


Matt - with his shirt on

As for who will be the wife, I'm calling it now. Brooke is going to win. She's got the country girl accent from Texas, she wants children, she's even a virgin! She's going to win. And then she's going to leave him two months later because the only local bar can't mix a decent cosmo.


Brooke - Farmer's future ex-wife

The elimination was the trashiest thing I've ever scene and I love it. The women had to check under a chicken to see if they had the egg. Luckily, he's keeping Josie aroung for another episode. You know the producers took him aside and made him keep her for ratings. Stephanie went home - but who cares? This show is all about Josie and Brooke.

Photo Source: CWTV

ANTM tries to fulfill my Xena fantasies

America's Next Top Model almost ruined my last relationship. Whenever there was a marathon on, I was glued to screen. I could hear my girlfriend yelling at me from the kitchen, "You love Tyra more than you love me!" No, I didn't. I loved Kim more than her. I just want to be Tyra's best friend. I want to be the Gayle to her Oprah. Call me, Ty-Ty!




This season is depressingly non-dyketastic. Where are my hot androgynous women? Where are the lesbians? Or at least a hot red-head struggling with her sexuality like a couple seasons back? But last night's episode gave me a little something. The girls dressed up as gladiators for a photo shoot challenge. Oh hell yes! It was like five hot Xena look-alikes! Yes! Thank you, Tyra.

I have a long lasting relationship with Xena. When I was in seventh grade, my mother made me stop watching it and took away my Callisto action figure because it "wasn't lady like." I think she just suspected my secret fantasy of becoming Xena and seducing Callisto away from evil. But she could always stay a little evil...wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, America's Next Top Model.

In the end, Katarzina went home. I'll miss her. She was so beautiful...and I'll admit it, those Eastern Bloc women get me everytime.

Photo Source: CWTV

Lesbos sues Lesbos

Two citizens on the Greek island of Lesbos (a.k.a. Levos) are suing a GLBT group to enjoin them from using the word "lesbian." They are claiming that heterosexual citizens of the island have suffered "psychological and moral rape" by being called Lesbians.


The Island of Lesbos

There is something really wrong with the people who have filed this lawsuit. Are you so insecure in your sexuality that you can't stand the word lesbian? Seriously. What term would they rather us use? Dyke? Actually, I'm okay with that. I'm no longer a lesbian. I'm a dyke. Make you feel better? Didn't think so.

To read more about the Lesbians and lesbians of Lesbos, the Girl in Short Shorts blog has a great post about it. Read it here.

Jackie Warner turns another trainer

What is it about Jackie Warner that turns all the female trainers into lesbians? Jackie kisses all the ladies, she slept with Rebecca and now what's with Vanessa? Is she still looking for the right man as her bio claims or has she found a lady love in Jackie? I think she has the transformative sexuality of Johnny Depp - you think you're straight and then you work out with Jackie.

The best part of the episode was when Brian Peeler got his ass handed to him. Peeler signed all the male trainers up for the Mud Run. All the guys were doing great - but in the first muscle, Peeler got a "cramp." Yeah, right. You know he was just whining for a little more attention. "Look at me! I'm Peeler! Don't look at Jackie, look at me!" Honestly, I think the reason he keeps having problems with Jackie is he's jealous. The ladies love her and she probably has a bigger dick in her night stand than he's got dangling between his legs. Let it go, Peeler. Jackie will always be twice the man you are.


Erika

There was a sad moment went Jackie sat down with Erika to make sure she's still happy and healthy. She's overcome her bulimia but is struggling with being single. Don't cry, Erika! You're so beautiful! Just push Rebecca off the boat and take the center stage where you belong!

Photo Source: Bravo

Uh Huh Me!

Leisha Hailey's band Uh Huh Her kicked off their North American tour last night at the Double Door! The tour leads up to the release of their new album "Common Reaction."



The show was absolutely amazing! The opening act wasn't that great. Angie Mattson did what Kristin Hersh and Cat Power have done before and done better. But once Uh Huh Her hit the stage, it was pure magic! Camila Grey and Leisha Hailey were gorgeous and incredibly personable on stage. I can't wait for their new album. They played most of the songs that will be released. Leisha said her favorite was "Wait Another Day." I agree, I can't wait for the album because I loved that song!

During a cigarette break, I made friends with Mark, their sound guy. He was nice enough to give me the set list after the show! Even better, Camila Grey and Leisha Hailey both signed it. When I was face to face with Leisha, I had a total blank. She asked me what the date was and I couldn't think of it to save my life. Hell, if she'd asked me my name I probably couldn't have thought of it. Both she and Camila were super sweet!




It was insane trying to get them to sign anything though. The stairwell up to meet them was packed! I actually got wedged in between bodies several times and was completely stuck. And let me tell ya, that is not a comfortable position to be in and especially not with a broken rib. Some of the girls went viscious! Yelling, screaming, insulting each other - even throwing some elbows! Look, I love Leisha Hailey, too. But for the love of all that is unholy, calm down, ladies!



Check out the tour dates and make sure you see Uh Huh Her! I promise it will be an amazing show!