Why won't you let me love you?

Today I found out I broke one of my right ribs. I now understand what people mean by "blinding pain." The other day, I was leaning over in my car and my rib hurt so bad I saw a flash of white light, felt an incredible stabbing pain and thought I was going to pass out. Every time I move, breathe or twist the wrong way I'm overcome with pain. The doctor gave me some Vicodin but I'm too scared to take it. Painkillers freak me out.

So in honor of my horrible pain, I've decided to make a list of the top three lesbians who make me hurt on the inside.

1. Heather Poe:
Heather is the partner of Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter. I'd be scared to touch any of Cheney's spawn just in case his concentrated evil turned his daughter's bodily fluids into corrosive acid. But while Mary can't help who her father is, Heather has chosen to affiliate herself with the Cheney family. Honestly, what self-respecting lesbian would allow herself anywhere near a man who is so evil even Death won't touch him anymore? (How else would he survive four heart attacks?) Heather, don't give in to the dark side! Use the force, Heather, use the force!


Photo source: austinchronicle.com

2. Jodie Foster:
In her December 2007 award acceptance speech at the Hollywood Reporter's Women in Entertainment breakfast, she thanked her long time "friend" Cydney Bernard. A lot of people are interpreting it as her great coming out. But it only frustrates me more! Please, Jodie. Just come out. Just say it. No more of this dancing around. Why won't you let me love you, Jodie? Please! Let me love you!


Photo Source: Reuters

3. Rosie O'Donnell:
I used to love Rosie. Back in the day when she was perky and had a talk show I loved her. She still does a lot of wonderful things like Rosie's For All Kids and R Family Vacations. But for the love of all that is unholy, Rosie - shut up. Really. Just shut up even if it's for five seconds. I don't understand how you keep managing to piss everyone off. Sure, Trump is a jerk and Elisabeth Hasselbeck is Coulter-lite. But it doesn't help when your tirades manage to alienate all public support. Before you speak or blog, just take a moment and think about who you are going to piss off.


Photo Source: AP

To Heather, Jodie and Rosie - please, let me love you again.