Blogger Seeks Decent Personals Ads

When I worked at a coffee shop and it was a slow day, my friend Eric and I would go through the Chicago Reader matches section and read all the personals. Then we would match up our co-workers with people we thought would be their perfect match...and occasionally our perfect revenge for when they failed to properly label the food after taking it out of the freezer. That's right, you! I still remember those wasted cinnamon rolls!

Anyway, I left that job a long time ago but I still love going through the Chicago Reader. More than once I have stumbled across a personal ad placed by someone I know. That's always a hilarious find. So being the kind, sensitive, and discreet person I am, I clip it and put it on my fridge door. As I was reading the matches today, I thought I should share with you all my list of do's and don'ts for placing a personal ad in the paper:

1. Do spell check. I can tell you right now, anyone who can not correctly spell 50 words will never get a phone call from me.
   


2. Do not use any variations of the phrases "more cushion for the pushin'" or "more to hold on to." If you are slightly overweight or chubby like me, use phrases like curvy or voluptious.



3. I swear to all that is unholy, if you are one of the people that include trite lyrics from a Morissey song that "changed your life," just go sit in a dark room and cry. If you have to use someone else's words to describe yourself, then you should probably be placing a personal ad in the "Self-Awareness Weekly" and not the Chicago Reader.



4. Do not say you have a great personality. I'm sure you do, but saying so is like a personals ad code word for so-ugly-even-Gary-Coleman-wouldn't-touch-me.

MiRod Tells All

In a new Myspace post today, Michelle Rodriguez is answering her fans questions. No, she doesn't give us any answers about whether she's dyketastic or not but she does give away some beauty secrets and talk about how she became an actress. My favorite thing she said though, was in response to a fan asking what type of character she would love to play. She said:

"I'd like to see a kick ass believable action pact character come to life, one that doesn't get captured so a guy can save her, one who doesn't get raped as a motivation for her adventure. A girl that owns herself, answers to no one but herself, and gets to jump out of windows, fly planes, race cars, and have a crew of kick ass friends that she actually gets along with instead of fight against over some guy. In short I'd like to be in an action flick where my character isn't compromised morally, sexually, or intellectually. A character I can actually like and admire completely instead of partially like most."



Now that is a movie I would love to see! And if anyone could embody the ideal empowered feminist character, it would be MiRod. Write it, direct it and star in it, MiRod! Make a movie for your sisters!

Read more of MiRod's responses here.

MiRod Gossip

MiRod was seen out last night with a female friend at Marix Tex in West Hollywood. She seems to be enjoying female companionship lately, according to Buzz Foto. A few months ago, she was out at DJ Samantha Ronson's (Lohan's alleged girlfriend) birthday party, allegedly with five women! Was it a group of friends or was it women unable to resist the dyketastic MiRod? Even more amazing, there are rumors she's been hanging out with Otep - one of my favorite performers of all time. If you haven't heard her new album "The Ascension" with her cover of Nirvana's Breed, then you don't know what you're missing.

MiRod and Otep?



I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. It makes me happy because I love them both but it makes me sad because it's not fair! If they got together, then what hope is there for me? None! That's what sucks when two beautiful, strong women get together - there's nothing left for the lonely unattractive women like me.

The Sexiest Women in the World

FHM has just released a list of the 100 sexiest women in the world. Some of them are fitting, some of them are ridiculous.

Appropriately titled sexy women:
Megan Fox (1)
Angelina Jolie (12)
Mila Kanellis (84)

Funny thing about Megan Fox, she is my age. She's actually five days younger than me. That's just a little depressing - she's hot and amazing. And I'm a blogger. Sigh.


Megan Fox

Who the hell decided they were sexy women:
Kim Kardashian (17)
Britney Spears (100)
Tara Reid (56)
Paris Hilton (77)


Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is only famous because she has a big ass and a sex tape. She's basically a brunette version of Paris Hilton who is only famous for being blond and having a sex tape. Who made these women famous and who the hell voted them as sexy? I'd be afraid to touch them with someone else's hand just in case the STDs they've collected over the years have turned their bodily fluids into corrosive acid.

And how does Tara Reid outrank Mila Kanellis? She hasn't done anything in the last five years except get drunk and talk about her botched plastic surgery. Mila actually has a successful acting career without a bad boob job.

Finally, Britney Spears. Apparently, there are some people still out there who would use a Jerry Springer cast list as a dating service. Good for you. Someone has to date them so they can have children. How else will they get to Maury for the free paternity test?

Photo Source: FHM, Myspace

A Shot at Love makes me glad I'm gay

I want you all to know, I'm only watching this for you. For you, you lovely dykes who read this. I didn't watch the first season because I find the whole thing offensive. Everyone watched the first season to see if Tila chose a man or a woman, all the straight people treated it as conclusive evidence of whether a bisexual was really straight or gay. The gay community doesn't need a Myspace reality whore misguiding people about us.

But, in the end, I realized this blog needs updates on Tila. So, I'm watching it. For you!



The lesbians weren't all that hot. Most of them looked like bleached blond sorority girls. At first, I was digging on Serenity. I like the faux-hawk, I even thought she could be the next Dani. But then she made at attempt at comedy. And then she made out with Lili. I had also liked Lili, too. She was sweet and emotional. During the talent show, she came out in a gorilla suit. Tila like it and said, "I like a bushy girl." But after she caught them kissing, Tila wasn't pleased. She told them, "Give me back my key and get the f*** out of my house." Get gone girls!


Serenity

Tila also eliminated Tarra, Janny, Tashi and Rada. Why the hell did you eliminate Rada! She was the hottest dyke there! No! Every purpose I had for watching this show is gone. Rada, call me. You're too hot for Tila anyway.


Rada

The guys were all idiots. The biggest idiot was Chad. He actually made the comment, "Girls love wang-bones. That's why the have strap-ons." What now? First of all, who calls their penis a wang-bone? What the hell is a wang-bone? Secondly, I'll tell Chad what I told my guy friend when he asked about strap-ons. I can buy a bigger penis in any shape or color at the store tomorrow, but you're still going to be stuck with what you've got. And I'm guessing in Chad's case, that's pretty disappointing.


Chad

That pretty much set the standard for the guys. All of them, were looking for one way or another to show Tila's their dicks. Bo announced, "The boy team was here to kick some lesbian ass." And Nick tried to give her what he called "the ultimate gift" - his dick in a box. I spent most of the time looking down at my freet waiting for it to be over.

In the end, she decided to eliminate Nick, Matt, Jeremy, Chris, Mason and Greg - one half of the twins. I may continue to watch this show, even without Rada. If only because if the guys continue to act like idiots it serves as just one more reminder I'm happy I'm a lesbian.

Photo Source: MTV

Dyke-con of the Week!

Name: Cyndi Lauper

Why she is a Dyke-con: Cyndi is the power behind the True Colors Tour. The True Colors Tour brings together great musical acts to raise awareness for the GLBT community. The 2008 performers include Cyndi Lauper, The B-52’s, Rosie O’Donnell, Regina Spektor, Andy Bell of Erasure, Tegan and Sara, Carson Kressley, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Indigo Girls, Wanda Sykes, Joan Armatrading, Deborah Cox, The Cliks, The Puppini Sisters, Nona Hendryx, Kate Clinton and Girl in a Coma.

For tour dates and ticket information, visit the True Colors homepage.

Have a Dyketastic Birthday, Kelly Clarkson!

Today, the originial American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson turns 26. In honor of her birthday, I've decided to post some of the lesbian rumors that have swirled around the singer for years.

• Jonathan Jaxson, former celebrity publicist, claims Kelly is a lesbian and her family has been supportive of her lifestyle. But her record company isn't so thrilled. Rumor has it they are disappointed with her last album and upset with her threats to come out as a lesbian.

  
  

• During her duet with Reba McEntire CMT, Kelly changed the lyrics in her song "Since You've Been Gone" from "It wasn't long till I called you mine" to "It wasn't long till I called her mine." A subtle admission, perhaps?

  
  

• Kelly told Blender magazine she's only kissed five boys in her lifetime. Five? I've kissed more boys than her. To me, that suggests she's either a prude or just doesn't dig stubble burn on her chin.

I'm a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson, I even liked her last album "My December." And the video for her song, "Never Again," was hotness. I don't care if she's gay or not, she's a strong woman and that is sexy.

Photo Source: Elle magazine

Tegan and Sara Rock Late Night Television

Tegan and Sara were amazing on Jay Leno last night. They played the title track off their new album "The Con." Since getting the album, that song has easily become one of my favorite Tegan and Sara songs of all time. The top five right now are The Con, Knife Going In (also off The Con album), Living Room, Speak Slow and Take Me Anywhere.

Did you miss the show? No worries!

Click here to see their performance!

Tegan and Sara on Leno tonight!

Tegan and Sara will be performing tonight on Jay Leno!

Tune in to NBC at 10:35 pm CST to see the dyketastic duo rock late night television! I'm setting my DVR, now!



Photo Source: Tegan and Sara's Myspace

Lohan Gone Lesbo?

DListed is reporting today that Lindsay Lohan's friendship with DJ Samantha Ronson may be a lesbian affair complete with dyketastic drama.


Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan

While Samantha was spinning at Beatrice Inn in New York City on Friday night, Ashley Olsen hung around the booth to chat. Well, Lindsay wasn't going to let anyone near her lady while she was around and allegedly yelled at Ashley, "Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' ass away from my girlfriend." No offense, Lindsay, but you're one to talk. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen? Anyone else remember that?

There are also rumors Lindsey is so head-over-heels for Samantha that she created a Facebook page with the name "Lindsay Ronson."


Samantha Ronson

If the stories are true, then Lindsay is showing all the signs of an insecure dykelet. We all remember that first relationship with a woman. I alternated between insecurity everytime she talked with another girl and blind adoration that had me thinking about a white-picket fence and two dogs. Don't worry, Lindsay. It'll work out with your lady love.

Click here to see the story.

Adding lesbians does not make your crappy show better

Last night, Miss Rap Supreme took the lyrical ladies to a lesbian bar for their challenge. The rappers were supposed to rock the dyke club with sensual rhymes...yeah, that didn't happen. I don't care how you edit the show, you can't make them talented.



I think VH1 has finally created a reality show too dumb and obnoxious for me. I didn't think it was possible. I am addicted to VH1's "celebreality" shows, whether it's Surreal Life or Flavor of Love, I still watch. But honestly - they're not very good rappers. They're not very attractive women. The catfights are not nearly as good as Heather versus Daisy in Las Vegas. Without drama or talent or at least an hot girl to stare at, I don't see any reason to watch this show.

That being said, I watched it last night. In my defense, I was bored and didn't want to do all the actual work I needed to. And the more beer I drank, the better Byata was starting to look.

This episode demonstrated everything that is wrong with networks' perceptions on gay women. You know they took them to a lesbian bar in hope some of the women would reveal themselves as insecure homophobes or closet cases. There were a few comments, but overall the rappers behaved themselves. Or maybe they were hoping the women in the bar would start taking their tops off in "Girls Gone Wild" fashion. But nothing happened. Really. Just some bad rapping.

The show sucks. You can't add a bunch of lesbians and hope the dykes will tune in or at least the teenage boys. Ratings ploys only work when you have ratings.

Photo Source: VH1

Oh please be true!

This may be the greatest thing ever to happen to reality television! Today, a Wikipedia page appeared announcing a new reality show - I Love Money. It will feature rejected contestants from Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love competing in physical and mental challenges in an attempt to win $100,000. Below are the announced contestants:

Flavor of Love:
Pumkin (Season 1)
Hoopz (Season 1)
Toasteee (Season 2)
Nibblz (Season 2)
Bootz (Season 2)
Sinceer (Season 3)
Thing 1 (Season 3)
Thing 2 (Season 3)


Sinceer

I Love New York:
Chance (Season 1)
Real (Season 1)
Heat (Season 1)
12 Pack (Season 1)
Whiteboy (Season 1)
The Entertainer (Season 2)
Midget Mac (Season 2)

Rock of Love:
Heather (Season 1)
Brandi C. (Season 1)
Destiney (Season 2)
Megan (Season 2)
Kristy Jo (Season 2)



Heather

This is set to be the trashiest reality show in the history of trashy reality shows! But we still need Frenchy! Someone pull Angelique Morgan off her back and get her on this show! And while we're at it, call Rocky from "I Know My Kid's a Star." You know she and Frenchy will sit around and discuss their plastic surgeries.


Destiney

My black cotton socks quiver with antipaction of the wild drama. Here are some of my predictions:

• Heather will cripple Kristy Joe emotionally before giving her the most vicious beating of her life.
• Someone will attempt "midget tossing."
• The Flavor of Love girls will face off with the Rock of Love girls. Between cat fights, drink throwing contests and who has rocked the back of tour bus more – I can't wait to see the drama.
• Sinceer finally confesses to being part Klingon.

Rock of Love Reunion Rocked my Socks!

The Rock of Love 2 Reunion Show was like reality television candy to my brain!

Frenchy announced she has quit stripping to make club appearances. Well, considering she's selling the contents of panty drawer on ebay, I don't think it's going to be a long lasting retirement. The best was when she mooned Aubry and said, "Kiss my perfect Barbie ass!" Oh my god! The only Barbie Frenchy could be is porn star Barbie with strap-on accessories. But I would still buy it.




A not-so-shocking announcement was Kristy Jo is still married. So she's still with her husband, but what about her lesbian lover Aubry? Aubry described looking at Kristy Jo, "My heart just fell out of my body." But then on the reunion she says they're just platonic friends. Yeah, right.

As the previews promised, there was a fight between Heather and Daisy! My black cotton socks are officially rocked off! Taking all bets - who pulls out whose cheap, blond extensions! They cut to commercial and Daisy was back on set but Bret had escorted Heather out the back. Aww...I was hoping there would at least be some attempted eye gouging with their fake acrylic nails.

Ambre and Bret admited they didn't entirely avoid each other after the show ended as they were supposed to. Apparently, Ambre saw the inside of his tour bus. She said the back stage scene "kinda turned me on." So is she still his Rock of Love? YES! They are both still in love and still together. Aw, there went my hope for seeing Renessa from Work Out on Rock of Love 3.



One sad announcement was Destinee's dad passed away two weeks before the reunion show. He had been diagnosed with liver cancer but it spread to his brain. He had shared a special moment with Bret when Destinee and her parents went on a bike ride to a tattoo parlor. He may have been one of the coolest people to make an appearance on the show. To make a donation in his honor, click here.



Photo Sources: VH1

The Ladies Love Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton has been hitting the campaign trail for her mother and it looks like she got a little action on the side. During her tour of gay America over the weekend, one woman got a hand full of the former first daughter's behind.



Gov. Ed Rendell led Chelsea on a tour of four bars in Philadelphia's Center City neighborhood. She was mobbed by gays and lesbians hugging her and asking for pictures. "I grabbed her ass," one woman exclaimed.

Oh, really now?

I know the race is getting tight (pun absolutely intended) but is Hilary pimping out her daughter to the lesbians now? I think it's more likely that most lesbians can't resist the appeal of a femme with power and liberal ideals.

Big Gay Sketch Show makes for an awesome Sunday

Today was a great Sunday. I spent the day lounging around, avoiding work at all costs and drinking hard cider with some friends. Even better, there was a marathon of "The Big Gay Sketch Show" on LOGO.

If you don't watch "The Big Gay Sketch Show," you really need to start. Julie Goldman and Kate McKinnon are without a doubt my favorite cast members. Kate plays a character named Fitzwilliam, a little girl trapped in a little boy's body searching for a vagina with his stuffed unicorn Trixie.

Click here to see Fitzwilliam.

Julie and Kate team up in several hilariously true sketches about lesbian life. Like trying to plan a drama-free birthday party, meaning no one can show up.

Click here to see them try to tell apart lesbians in a bar.



Click here to learn more about The Big Gay Sketch Show.