Brian Peeler is Fired!

Buh-Bye you homophobic bastard! Jackie Warner fired Brian Peeler! It's about time. He claims she's disrepectful, but every other word out of his mouth is insulting Jackie for one reason or another.



Here's what Jackie said in a Myspace bulletin about kicking his ass to the curb:

"Last nights episode-to clear up a couple of things. I did not make a derogatory remark about Brian Peelers client on camera or off-camera. The only reason he tried to bring it up to me on camera is to villainise me and set me up for something I didn't do. Lisa did not know this woman had cancer and made a comment about her breasts which she apologized for. I have dealt with cancer personally as well as watched my mother struggle with it so I am very sensitive about this disease. I have been employed in the past and in a million years would not have behaved the way Brian behaved with me. I can't imagine raising my voice or refusing to leave my boss' office when asked politely to do so. I feel totally justified in firing him. I have always personally disliked him but was forced to continue to employ him because he was chosen by the producers for the show. Please remember that this is a show and that 90% of the beautiful and inspiring work we did was left on the cutting room floor. The producers decided (regretably) to create through editing a very different and what I think a very negative show. This season is not in any way a reflection of what I or SkySport represents. I have spent a great part of my life trying to heal and am just as floored as you, the viewers, by the negative editing.


On a lighter note, I thought Erica looked beautiful during her shoot and it was a great self-esteem builder. Gregg B and Deenie are just not fitting! SkyLab is challenging and getting off to a rocky start but some powerful changes are yet to come.

Thank you-Jackie Warner"

Photo Source: Bravo

Could Farmer Wants a Wife get any Trashier? Why, yes it can!

I was watching Farmer Wants a Wife last night wondering, is it possible for the show to get any trashier? Is it possible for Josie to get any crazier? Why yes. Yes it is all possible.



At the end of the show, the farmer took all the girls to play bingo. But it turned into an elimination challenge. Josie managed to offend everyone in the room. Then Josie was completely confused about why she wasn't picked. And then she called him cheap because he picked her flowers instead of buying them. I would appreciate picked flowers more than bought flowers - it would show she took the time to pick and select something as hard to find as flora in the city. Then she demanded a present! A present?! I'll give you a present - a swift kick to the ass!

She kept refusing to leave and told them to call the sherrif if they were going to have her removed. She tried to call Matt but he told her she needed to go to the airport. Finally, she left. After terrifying the girls, Matt and Matt's friends. This girl is worse than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. The worse Glenn Close did was boil a rabbit, I'd be afraid Josie would light the fields on fire and eat the chickens alive. Actually, she'd probably use the chicken blood for her satanic Republican rituals.

After Josie left, Matt went on his date with one girl while the other girls went out to a bar. Some of the girls were talking trash about the other girls who were talking with other men. Good lord! You're on a dating reality show! You're all desperate and everyone in America knows it! Besides, Brooke is my virgin queen. She's not going to let Matt go for a sixty-something farmer with a trucker hat. She wants the twenty-something farmer with a trucker hat.

Speaking of Brooke, has anyone else noticed how much Brooke looks like Jamie Lynn Spears? It's actually kind of starting to freak me out a little.


Photo Source: Rebecca Murray (Jamie Lynn Picture), CWTV

My NewNowNext Awards Picks

The NewNowNext Awards for LOGO celebrate the Best in Gay and Lesbian Pop Culture. The categories are brilliant and entirely appropriate from "Cause You're Hot" to "Most Addictive Reality Star." Here are my picks for 2008:

Brink of Fame Actor: Ellen Page
OMFG Internet Award: I'm F***ing Ben Affleck
Best Show You're Not Watching: Bad Girls
Most Guiltiest Pleasure: Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency
Most Addictive Reality Star: Christian Siriano "Project Runway"
Most Totally Rad Sickest Blog Ever: Dlisted.com
Cause You're Hot: Tiny Fey
Brink of Fame Comic: Julie Goldman
Brink of Fame Music Artist: The Cliks
Best Future Feature: Finn's Girl
Brink of Fame Filmmaker: Jamie Babbitt
The Kylie Award Next International Crossover: Sia
BreakOut Destination: Tel Aviv, Israel
Brink of Fame Author: T. Cooper
Because You Deserve an Award: Margaret Cho

To vote and see a full list of nominees, click here.

Tune in to LOGO on June 7th at 9pm to see who wins!

Shot at Love - Just Shoot Me

The second episode of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila was full of drama, but not very dyketastic. It's really just a bunch of drinking and fighting. If I wanted to see that, I'd just go to Star Gaze on Friday night for salsa night. There's always a lot of drinking and I usually manage to see at least one fight every time I go.

To see who got to spend private time with Tila, they played "Oh Craps" - a strip dice game. It was hilarious to watch the guy's reactions as the girls got down to bras and thongs. I think they forgot for a moment who Tila was. The winners were the final guy and girl with the most clothes on - George and Kristy. They had private time in her club, but it didn't last long. Suddenly everyone is in the club and going crazy. Samantha saw the stripper pole and demonstrated her working girl talents. But she can never replace the love I have for Frenchy. There can only be room for one trashy stripper on a reality television show - and that's Frenchy. Everyone is screaming, drinking and dancing in Tila's private club. That's when the police show up.



The crowd inside yelled at the police, but Tila knew how to save the day. She flirted with the cop telling him she needs, "a real man." He wasn't having it and gave her a ticket anyway. Are you serious!? I just find that offensive. It's like the Dairy Queen commercial where the little girl flirts with a boy to get a free sundae. Women should not have to use their sexuality to get what they want from men. It's demeaning. That said, I have flirted for a free drink or two. But when it comes to the cops I at least know how to cry on cue.




Chad once again proved he is the most disgusting man alive. As all of them have to share a bed. He decides to let a fart out and wave it over to the girls side. Poor girls! I have all new sympathy for them. Especially because Christian looks like an alcoholic. The next morning, he was already getting into the vodka. Good lord, even I know when to take a break. Luckily, Tila had set up a recovery room for them with food and oxygen tanks.

The rest of the episode continued without anything interesting happening. The "buy my love" challenge was boring if only because it showed what Tila was really looking for. Someone to spoil her, as she put it. Come on, Tila. Just admit it. You're looking for someone to buy your stripper shoes. Just get a sugar mama. I'm sure there's a female version of

In the end, Tila eliminated Christian and Fame. She wasn't impressed with Christian's ability to hold his liquor. I want to have a drinking contest with him. I have a trained liver of steel - I bet I could match him shot for shot with Jack Daniels. As for Fame, it was pretty obvious she was only interested in getting some television time for her non-existant singing career. And no one can out reality-whore Tila!

Honestly, I'm already getting sick of this show and I don't know how much more I can take. The only girl I'm enjoying looking at is Sirbriana. Although Lisa rocks the tomboy look and she's a softball coach - at least you know she's a real lesbian.

Photo Source: MTV

Farmer wants a wife, I want a laugh. Everybody wins!

After watching America's Next Top Model last night, my roommate and I decided to watch the premiere episode of Farmer Wants a Wife. My roommate grew up on a farm and farming is in my family blood, we both have our memories of fields and barns. So we spent most of the time laughing at the women because we know they have no idea what they're getting into. Here's your first lesson ladies - don't wear heels on a farm. You'll lose it in a cow pie.

The women weren't all that attractive. Josie looks like a cross between Miss Piggy and post-mortum Anna Nicole Smith. She calls herself a "ten-plus." Um, well, someone has to think so I guess.


Josie - future patient on Celebrity Rehab

Matt the farmer is really attractive and seems like a decent guy. My roommate and I agreed - we want to be friends with him. We want to take him to "Hogs and Honeys" in Chicago to do shots and ride the mechanical bull. Every guy needs a couple of dykes to help him pick up girls.


Matt - with his shirt on

As for who will be the wife, I'm calling it now. Brooke is going to win. She's got the country girl accent from Texas, she wants children, she's even a virgin! She's going to win. And then she's going to leave him two months later because the only local bar can't mix a decent cosmo.


Brooke - Farmer's future ex-wife

The elimination was the trashiest thing I've ever scene and I love it. The women had to check under a chicken to see if they had the egg. Luckily, he's keeping Josie aroung for another episode. You know the producers took him aside and made him keep her for ratings. Stephanie went home - but who cares? This show is all about Josie and Brooke.

Photo Source: CWTV

ANTM tries to fulfill my Xena fantasies

America's Next Top Model almost ruined my last relationship. Whenever there was a marathon on, I was glued to screen. I could hear my girlfriend yelling at me from the kitchen, "You love Tyra more than you love me!" No, I didn't. I loved Kim more than her. I just want to be Tyra's best friend. I want to be the Gayle to her Oprah. Call me, Ty-Ty!




This season is depressingly non-dyketastic. Where are my hot androgynous women? Where are the lesbians? Or at least a hot red-head struggling with her sexuality like a couple seasons back? But last night's episode gave me a little something. The girls dressed up as gladiators for a photo shoot challenge. Oh hell yes! It was like five hot Xena look-alikes! Yes! Thank you, Tyra.

I have a long lasting relationship with Xena. When I was in seventh grade, my mother made me stop watching it and took away my Callisto action figure because it "wasn't lady like." I think she just suspected my secret fantasy of becoming Xena and seducing Callisto away from evil. But she could always stay a little evil...wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, America's Next Top Model.

In the end, Katarzina went home. I'll miss her. She was so beautiful...and I'll admit it, those Eastern Bloc women get me everytime.

Photo Source: CWTV

Jackie Warner turns another trainer

What is it about Jackie Warner that turns all the female trainers into lesbians? Jackie kisses all the ladies, she slept with Rebecca and now what's with Vanessa? Is she still looking for the right man as her bio claims or has she found a lady love in Jackie? I think she has the transformative sexuality of Johnny Depp - you think you're straight and then you work out with Jackie.

The best part of the episode was when Brian Peeler got his ass handed to him. Peeler signed all the male trainers up for the Mud Run. All the guys were doing great - but in the first muscle, Peeler got a "cramp." Yeah, right. You know he was just whining for a little more attention. "Look at me! I'm Peeler! Don't look at Jackie, look at me!" Honestly, I think the reason he keeps having problems with Jackie is he's jealous. The ladies love her and she probably has a bigger dick in her night stand than he's got dangling between his legs. Let it go, Peeler. Jackie will always be twice the man you are.


Erika

There was a sad moment went Jackie sat down with Erika to make sure she's still happy and healthy. She's overcome her bulimia but is struggling with being single. Don't cry, Erika! You're so beautiful! Just push Rebecca off the boat and take the center stage where you belong!

Photo Source: Bravo

A Shot at Love makes me glad I'm gay

I want you all to know, I'm only watching this for you. For you, you lovely dykes who read this. I didn't watch the first season because I find the whole thing offensive. Everyone watched the first season to see if Tila chose a man or a woman, all the straight people treated it as conclusive evidence of whether a bisexual was really straight or gay. The gay community doesn't need a Myspace reality whore misguiding people about us.

But, in the end, I realized this blog needs updates on Tila. So, I'm watching it. For you!



The lesbians weren't all that hot. Most of them looked like bleached blond sorority girls. At first, I was digging on Serenity. I like the faux-hawk, I even thought she could be the next Dani. But then she made at attempt at comedy. And then she made out with Lili. I had also liked Lili, too. She was sweet and emotional. During the talent show, she came out in a gorilla suit. Tila like it and said, "I like a bushy girl." But after she caught them kissing, Tila wasn't pleased. She told them, "Give me back my key and get the f*** out of my house." Get gone girls!


Serenity

Tila also eliminated Tarra, Janny, Tashi and Rada. Why the hell did you eliminate Rada! She was the hottest dyke there! No! Every purpose I had for watching this show is gone. Rada, call me. You're too hot for Tila anyway.


Rada

The guys were all idiots. The biggest idiot was Chad. He actually made the comment, "Girls love wang-bones. That's why the have strap-ons." What now? First of all, who calls their penis a wang-bone? What the hell is a wang-bone? Secondly, I'll tell Chad what I told my guy friend when he asked about strap-ons. I can buy a bigger penis in any shape or color at the store tomorrow, but you're still going to be stuck with what you've got. And I'm guessing in Chad's case, that's pretty disappointing.


Chad

That pretty much set the standard for the guys. All of them, were looking for one way or another to show Tila's their dicks. Bo announced, "The boy team was here to kick some lesbian ass." And Nick tried to give her what he called "the ultimate gift" - his dick in a box. I spent most of the time looking down at my freet waiting for it to be over.

In the end, she decided to eliminate Nick, Matt, Jeremy, Chris, Mason and Greg - one half of the twins. I may continue to watch this show, even without Rada. If only because if the guys continue to act like idiots it serves as just one more reminder I'm happy I'm a lesbian.

Photo Source: MTV

Adding lesbians does not make your crappy show better

Last night, Miss Rap Supreme took the lyrical ladies to a lesbian bar for their challenge. The rappers were supposed to rock the dyke club with sensual rhymes...yeah, that didn't happen. I don't care how you edit the show, you can't make them talented.



I think VH1 has finally created a reality show too dumb and obnoxious for me. I didn't think it was possible. I am addicted to VH1's "celebreality" shows, whether it's Surreal Life or Flavor of Love, I still watch. But honestly - they're not very good rappers. They're not very attractive women. The catfights are not nearly as good as Heather versus Daisy in Las Vegas. Without drama or talent or at least an hot girl to stare at, I don't see any reason to watch this show.

That being said, I watched it last night. In my defense, I was bored and didn't want to do all the actual work I needed to. And the more beer I drank, the better Byata was starting to look.

This episode demonstrated everything that is wrong with networks' perceptions on gay women. You know they took them to a lesbian bar in hope some of the women would reveal themselves as insecure homophobes or closet cases. There were a few comments, but overall the rappers behaved themselves. Or maybe they were hoping the women in the bar would start taking their tops off in "Girls Gone Wild" fashion. But nothing happened. Really. Just some bad rapping.

The show sucks. You can't add a bunch of lesbians and hope the dykes will tune in or at least the teenage boys. Ratings ploys only work when you have ratings.

Photo Source: VH1

Oh please be true!

This may be the greatest thing ever to happen to reality television! Today, a Wikipedia page appeared announcing a new reality show - I Love Money. It will feature rejected contestants from Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love competing in physical and mental challenges in an attempt to win $100,000. Below are the announced contestants:

Flavor of Love:
Pumkin (Season 1)
Hoopz (Season 1)
Toasteee (Season 2)
Nibblz (Season 2)
Bootz (Season 2)
Sinceer (Season 3)
Thing 1 (Season 3)
Thing 2 (Season 3)


Sinceer

I Love New York:
Chance (Season 1)
Real (Season 1)
Heat (Season 1)
12 Pack (Season 1)
Whiteboy (Season 1)
The Entertainer (Season 2)
Midget Mac (Season 2)

Rock of Love:
Heather (Season 1)
Brandi C. (Season 1)
Destiney (Season 2)
Megan (Season 2)
Kristy Jo (Season 2)



Heather

This is set to be the trashiest reality show in the history of trashy reality shows! But we still need Frenchy! Someone pull Angelique Morgan off her back and get her on this show! And while we're at it, call Rocky from "I Know My Kid's a Star." You know she and Frenchy will sit around and discuss their plastic surgeries.


Destiney

My black cotton socks quiver with antipaction of the wild drama. Here are some of my predictions:

• Heather will cripple Kristy Joe emotionally before giving her the most vicious beating of her life.
• Someone will attempt "midget tossing."
• The Flavor of Love girls will face off with the Rock of Love girls. Between cat fights, drink throwing contests and who has rocked the back of tour bus more – I can't wait to see the drama.
• Sinceer finally confesses to being part Klingon.

Rock of Love Reunion Rocked my Socks!

The Rock of Love 2 Reunion Show was like reality television candy to my brain!

Frenchy announced she has quit stripping to make club appearances. Well, considering she's selling the contents of panty drawer on ebay, I don't think it's going to be a long lasting retirement. The best was when she mooned Aubry and said, "Kiss my perfect Barbie ass!" Oh my god! The only Barbie Frenchy could be is porn star Barbie with strap-on accessories. But I would still buy it.




A not-so-shocking announcement was Kristy Jo is still married. So she's still with her husband, but what about her lesbian lover Aubry? Aubry described looking at Kristy Jo, "My heart just fell out of my body." But then on the reunion she says they're just platonic friends. Yeah, right.

As the previews promised, there was a fight between Heather and Daisy! My black cotton socks are officially rocked off! Taking all bets - who pulls out whose cheap, blond extensions! They cut to commercial and Daisy was back on set but Bret had escorted Heather out the back. Aww...I was hoping there would at least be some attempted eye gouging with their fake acrylic nails.

Ambre and Bret admited they didn't entirely avoid each other after the show ended as they were supposed to. Apparently, Ambre saw the inside of his tour bus. She said the back stage scene "kinda turned me on." So is she still his Rock of Love? YES! They are both still in love and still together. Aw, there went my hope for seeing Renessa from Work Out on Rock of Love 3.



One sad announcement was Destinee's dad passed away two weeks before the reunion show. He had been diagnosed with liver cancer but it spread to his brain. He had shared a special moment with Bret when Destinee and her parents went on a bike ride to a tattoo parlor. He may have been one of the coolest people to make an appearance on the show. To make a donation in his honor, click here.



Photo Sources: VH1

Some new Work Out trainers are on the wrong show

I keep finding Greg Plitt more and more obnoxious. The model/actor has appeared in numerous films and television shows such as Last Call Before Sunset, Six Sex Scenes and a Murder, Days Of Our Lives, Designed to Sell, The Good Shepherd and Bobby. This is not the first time he has portrayed himself as a professional to get some reality television screen time. On two episodes of Designed to Sell, he was a carpenter. Hmm...model, actor, carpenter...now he's a trainer?

I still can't believe Greg had the gall not only to date one of his clients but also to insult Jackie Warner's new clothing line. I know he's just eye candy for the straight women and gay men who watch the show, but come on. Couldn't they find someone who would at least pretend he wasn't there for a few moments of C-list stardom?



The other new trainer I'm unsure about is Renessa Williams. The South Dakota native is a single mother of an eleven-year-old daughter and says she's looking for the right man in her Bravo bio. After watching her shamelessly flirt with her male clients, I'm wondering if she's confused Work Out with Rock of Love. She looks like a lot of the groupies vying for Bret Michaels' attention. Hmmm, will we see her on Rock of Love 3, perhaps?



Photo Source: Bravo

Lesbians still in the Top Chef game

The Quick Fire Challenge to pair a dish with a beer was hilarious. Jennifer got Land Shark Lager beer and she ran her hand along her faux-hawk saying, "My hair kind of looks like a shark fin." No, it's dyke hair. I'd say around 50 percent of the lesbians I know have faux-hawks. It's not a shark fin it's a giant sign that says, "I'm queer."

Jennifer won the challenge! But Spike's bitterness came through. He told the cameras Jennifer winning was like saying, "Yeah lesbians! Here we go!" Not that Spike seemed very heterosexual when he was in the bathtub with Aussie chef Mark. People in glass houses, Spike. Jennifer was all sweet and love. In the elimination challenge, she said she was making a Greek dish as a tribute to Zoe. But her Chicken Marinated with Harissa and Quinoa Tabouli didn't win her the elimination challenge. Dale won for his Tandori Pork Ribs and Potato Salad with Golden Raisins, Dried Mango and Turmeric.




Overall, I'd say it was a dyketastic episode. Lisa was neither in the top or bottom three of the challenges so she was safe. And Jennifer won immunity so we'll be seeing them both next episode!

Win it for Zoe, Jennifer!

Photo Source: Bravo

Frenchy is looking for work

Frenchy, the reality whore from Rock of Love 2, also known as stripper/porn star Angelique Morgan is looking for a gig.

She posted this message on her Myspace page today, "I've been really busy, if you want to book me for hosting event and appearances, please, leave me a comment below and I will b back to you ASAP. Thanks! God bless!"



I wonder how much she costs by the hour? I'm actually considering trying to hire her for my next birthday party. It may be the only way I can guarantee someone else will get drunk and behave worse than me.

Not content with her appearance gigs, Frenchy is selling herself on ebay. If you visit her ebay store you can bid for some of her used lingerie (I shudder to imagine what kind of bodily fluids she left in there). Her prices start at $199 or you can buy it now for $225. Really? The lingerie isn't worth that much. Touching her butt does not make things appreciate value, it makes them depreciate.

Click here to see what she's selling.

Photo Source: Frenchy's Myspace Page

Work Out Episode One - Now I Love This Show

Jackie has a new girlfriend and they're already living together. Damn you, U-Haul stereotypes! It's relationships like this that make people believe the scene in "Better than Chocolate" when a couple meets, has sex and moves in together twenty-minutes later! Sigh. But good for Jackie. I hope Briana is better than her last crazy girlfriend.

Rebecca is jealous for Jackie's attention. She's acting like she's five-years-old and someone took away her favorite toy. She said, "You don't get that kind of female companionship when you have a boyfriend." Well, duh! That's what happens when you play lesbian.



The new trainer Renessa Williams may replace Rock of Love's Daisy as my favorite ditzy blond on reality television. She told the cameras, "I got into training because it's the only job I could think where I get to boss men around and they have to do what I tell them." Umm, Renessa, I can think of one or two. Then she says, "I'm very very naughty." And now I just thought of four more.

Brian Peeler continues to be a jerk. When asked why Jackie hates him, he says, "Because you can't have sex with me." Um...excuse me? What exactly do you mean by that? She hates you because she's a lesbian? She hates you because you're so hot you make her wish she liked men? Ooookay. Keep telling yourself that.

Another new trainer - Greg Plitt - has all the guys questioning their masculinity. At one point I thought they were just going to wip them out and measure them. Of course, Plitt spent most of the time leering at the clients and showing off his abs. He was arrogant enough to call himself a "living, breathing inspiration." Again - keep telling yourself that.

This was an awesome episode. The new relationships and trainers are going to make this a great, dramatic season.

I take back everything I said about this show. I now love Work Out. Even though Jackie Warner still scares me.


Photo Source: Bravo

I'm scared of Jackie Warner

Yesterday, I admitted Johnny Depp makes me a bad lesbian. Well, so does my fear of Jackie Warner. I think some of it is just a natural aversion to exercise of any kind (unless lifting a drink counts). My roommate is obsessed with the show Work Out and oddly so is my mother. She called me during the second season to suggest I get my hair cut like that "nice lesbian on Bravo." Apparently, my hair isn't a "nice" dyke hair.



With the third season coming up, I decided to think about why I love and hate Work Out.

Why I Love Work Out:
1. Hot women. Sweaty hot women. 'Nuf said.
2. A show that finally shows a lesbian not as a straight male fantasy but as an athelitic, successful, powerful entrepenuer. Now that's progress.
3. The drama outside the gym is amazing. Jackie's relationship with trainer Rebecca Cardon was dyketastically dramatic.

Why I Hate Work Out:
1. Jackie Warner scares me. Yes, she's very attractive but watching her yell at clients and her employees intimidates me. I'm all for a powerful, aggressive woman but hearing her tell everyone to get off their fat butts feels like she's telling me to put down the cigarettes and the beer. And that's just not going to happen.
2. The show feels a lot like a guilt trip. I keep looking at my little paunch and feeling lazy. Maybe that's because I am.
3. The death of Doug Blasdell. It was so sad and devastating when Blasdell suddenly passed away. The show feels a little tragic to me now.

In the end, it's a tie. I'm going to watch this season and make sure I watch it with a light beer.

To read more about the upcoming season, check out AfterEllen.com.

Photo Source: Bravo

Was Rock of Love Dyketastic?

Bret Michaels has chosen Ambre as his Rock of Love. He totally made the right call. Ambre seems like she has it together, at least more so than Daisy. She's one stripper pole and two tequila shots away from an amatuer porn career. Although, a grainy sex tape might revitalize Bret Michaels' career. It's not like he's ever going to have a hit single again.

My favorite line of the episode was Ambre talking about Daisy. She said, "Surgery can make me hotter but surgery is not going to make her smarter." Hilarious! I'm pretty sure the major surgery Daisy had was having a nozzle attached. That way she can be inflated for television appearances and be deflated again for easy storage.



I don't care so much about the finale though. I just can't wait for the reunion episode for several reasons. I've been watching the previews and it looks like Heather is going to beat the crap out of Daisy! Oh hell yes! My black cotton socks quiver in anticipation. Also, I can't wait to see Frenchy again. My life has been incomplete without the Eurotrash that is Angelique Morgan. But the final reason I can't wait for the reunion show - lesbian drama! That's right, a special insinuated that there was a little girl-on-girl action going on right under Bret's nose. It seems Kristy Jo and Aubry were more interested in each other than in winning Bret's heart. Oh really now?


You know she's screaming, "Kristy Joooooooo!"

Photo Source: VH1.com

I watched Rock of Love...and now I'm gay

I have an unhealthy obsession with the show Rock of Love. It's so wonderfully tacky. But it's a love/hate relationship. So much so I have had two nightmares about it.

In the first nightmare, I was trapped in the Rock of Love house as a contestant and no matter how many times I told them I was gay, they wouldn't let me leave. I woke up after Bret Michaels kissed me and I thought I was going to be sick. The second was last night. I was again trapped in the house but this time I couldn't get eliminated. So finally I stole one of his bikes and took off.

After the last dream, I decided to examine why I love and hate Rock of Love.

Why I Love Rock of Love:
1. Frenchy. Seriously, it doesn't get better than Angelique Morgan. The stripper/porn star/reality whore is the greatest thing to happen to television since TiVo.
2. Daisy. One of the final two left on the show, I can't stop looking at her - she looks like a Bratz doll come to life. She seems perpetually confused about where she is. I think she's a groupie who wandered into the house and is too stoned to find the door.
3. Drunken debauchery and cat fights.
4. Bret's motorcycles. If you squint at the television when he's riding them, it looks like a really hot butch riding them. Well, if you squint and take a few shots of whiskey.


Daisy

Why I Hate Rock of Love:
1. Who gives a crap about Bret Michaels? I haven't heard or thought about the band Poison in years.
2. He is responsible for the song "Every Rose Has It's Thorns." For that reason alone, he deserves every sexually transmitted disease he got from Frenchy. I swear to all that is unholy, if I hear one more drunken idiot's off-key kareoke version of that song, I'm going to beat them senseless with the microphone.


Frenchy

Top Chef Gets a Little Less Dyketastic

It was a bittersweet episode of Top Chef tonight. Dyketastic Lisa won the elements elimination challenge with her miso smoked bacon but Jennifer's lover Zoi was sent home for an underseasoned mushroom salad.

While it's exciting to see one of our sapphic sisters win a challenge, I'm sad to see Zoi and Jennifer split up. I'm rooting for Jennifer now. Win it for Zoi, Jennifer!

Lisa's winning dish reminded me of why I love Top Chef. I can actually say the show changed my life. I was a vegetarian for ten years before Top Chef Season 3. I was watching it and I suddenly realized - I can't eat anything they're cooking! In a decade of meat-free existence, I never thought I was missing out on anything until Top Chef. I am now a happy omnivore with a passion for cheeseburgers and bacon. I really want to figure out how to make Lisa's bacon. It's seeing food like that on television that made me start clogging my arteries again.


The Fire team's winning dish


The Earth team's losing dish

Photo source: Bravo

Top Chef is Dyketastic

I love Top Chef. Hell, I love almost anything on the Poor Man’s Showtime (aka Bravo). But I particularly love this season because there are three – count them, three! – lesbians on this season in Chicago.

Lisa, Zoi and Jennifer are all still in the competition and I’m thrilled. Usually, Top Chef has one token lesbian competitor who gets eliminated in the first few episodes. Considering all past three winners have been men, I’d like to see a woman win this time around and bonus points if she is dyketastic.

It’s particularly interesting that Zoi and Jennifer are a couple competing against each other. I couldn’t imagine being in a competition with anyone I was dating. It just seems like the ultimate relationship killer. I mean, what happens if Zoi takes the last of the parmesan? Or Jennifer gets caught make goo-goo eyes at Padima? It’s just a recipe for drama. But then again, what in a lesbian relationship isn’t a recipe for drama? (Get it? Recipe? Top Chef? Shut up, it’s a good pun).

I don’t think any of them are particularly brilliant chefs, but I don’t think anyone on this show is a particularly amazing chef. If I wanted to watch a real cooking competition I’d watch Iron Chef America and mentally undress Cat Cora. Oh wait...I do. I love cooking shows even though I can’t cook. Seriously, I can’t. When I was living at home, my family had an intervention and banned me from trying to make chocolate chip cookies. They said it was just cruel and unusual treatment of food products. I am the culinary version of Dick Cheney.


Lisa

Zoi

Jennifer

Photos Source: Bravo